GUNS GUNS GUNS BIKES BIKES

Dan from Belgium wants to get on the bandwagon here:

Hey. Wait up, I wanna get on.

Happy Mother's Day, motherfucker.  I had to cook 3 dozen eggs' worth of fucking omelettes today for my family, and I never cook sober, so now I've got about 4 of those sweet new pint cans of Miller Lite in me, and I'm drinking Moscato out of a coffee cup.  I feel like I should get some cut-off jorts and a wifebeater to complete the white trash buzz.

pictures:


1) Well, shit, if you don't look like the happiest fucker ever to wake up in a sleeping bag.  I'd keep that picture just for that.  Thumbs-up indeed.

As for the photos as a whole, my general impression is that you are high, like, all of the time.  Except for the one where you've got sunglasses on so you can hide how fucking high you are.  I feel like every one of those captions should read "Duuuuuuuuuuude."  I suddenly want to eat an entire box of Wheat Thins.

Anyway.  Photos.  You look kind of sweaty in the last two, and I feel like the first three could be a lot better if we had some captions to give them context.  Maybe add some more where you're smiling and doing shit with people without looking sweaty.  Key is the smiling and not being sweaty.  Having your eyes open so you don't look profoundly high would also be a plus, but then again, I'm not from Belgium, so who knows.

Profile

I am like, thinking, and stuff. Don't rush me.

Nice.  I still think you're high as fuck, but still, good one.

My Self-Summary
I'm a generally 'laidback' guy, and by that I mean I am lazy. So very lazy. I still enjoy life as much as possible - after all, we only get one shot - but it just so happens that a lot of my enjoyment comes from hitting that snooze button a few times before getting up and parking my sexy self behind my computer or underneath a tree with a good book. When I have time, that is.

So basically, the first and most important thing that you want people to know about you is that you're a lazy, unmotivated layabout whose greatest joy in life is hitting the snooze button?

Really, dude?  Really?  Of all your possible positive aspects, this is the one you're going to run with?

I'm going to let you in on a secret, man.  We all like sleeping in and hitting the snooze.  All of us.  It's rad.  But what makes us interesting and unique isn't that, it's what gets us out of bed, what motivates us to forgo the comfortable for the challenging, what we sacrifice things to acquire, that set us apart from each other.

So like, here's the thing.  My first impression is that you literally have nothing going on in your life that's more interesting than continuing to sleep.  And not everyone's looking for a dude who's a massively driven overachieving workaholic, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that making "lazy" your best foot forward might just be, oh, what's the term,  fucking retarded.

I generally dislike crowds, and prefer a nice quiet evening in a bar with a few friends to grinding like a howler monkey on speed in an overcrowded club. An evening spent playing Risk, Settlers of Catan, watching an action flick, browsing the interwebz or playing some videogames are all preferable to clubs, really. You could say I loathe clubs. And you'd be right.

I'm not really sure how many times I have to repeat myself, dude, but you're not supposed to talk about shit you don't like, and you're definitely not supposed to disparage shit for no good reason.  Guess what, some people like clubs, and they still might conceivably sleep with you, except that you just compared people who dance in clubs, to fucking howler monkeys, so you basically just alienated pretty much everyone who has ever enjoyed going out  to a club.  I swear, it's almost like you're actively trying to keep attractive girls out of your pants.

Also: Interwebz?  Really? 

There's nothing wrong with the Internet or playing Settlers, but there's no need to be a fuckhead about it and needlessly disparage other people's Friday night activities.  You know how often fuckheads get laid?  Not all that fucking often.

What I’m doing with my life
At the moment I'm studying Dutch - English in Ghent, after that I'd like to become a smith. No, really. I want to create. Take a slab of metal and transform it into a perfectly forged tool, a beautiful piece of jewellery, perhaps a work of art. The educational system has stifled my creative side, and I want nothing more than to reawaken it. Smithing seems perfect, it combines creativity and practicality. Making beautiful things that have meaning, function.

You're studying English so you can go be a smith?  Have you actually made any steps toward being a smith?  Have you done like, a single fucking thing that relates to smithing, or is this just a thing that you'd "like to do"?  Because everyone has things they'd "like to do".  I'd "like to" be Sandra Bullock's love slave and also have a pony that shits bacon, but because I haven't done anything to get me closer to that state, I don't go around pretending like it's something that anyone else should give a fuck about.  If you're actually committed to doing stupid shit like making swords for renfaire dorks or whatever, then you should be doing something about it, and the doing something might be worth mentioning, but right now, want to is just a big ol' sign around your neck stating that you don't have any doing something happening in your life.  Want to is not helping you here.

The first things people usually notice about me
I'd have to say my beard. Not because it's particularly awesome (though it is), but because a beard is a hard thing to miss. If you're not into beards, that's okay, just remember this age-old adage: "Beards. They grow on you."

It was kind of amusing.  Not amusing enough to make up for any of your other sins so far, but it doesn't make me angry, so there's that.

I'm not 100% committed to liking the beard, for the record.  My opinion is that most dudes look better without beards.  Longish hair, similarly, is a thing some dudes can pull off, and I'm not sure if you're either of those kinds of dudes.  The chunky gamer dude with long hair and a beard is an archetype that, let's face it, doesn't get laid much.  Just...think about it.

The second thing people notice are my horrible puns.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Books:
- Watchmen - Moore & Gibbons
- Maus - Spiegelman
- One Hundred Years of Solitude - Márquez
- Discworld series - Pratchett
- Nights at the Circus - Carter

Movies:
- The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Fight Club, etc
- Stardust (don't judge me)
- I'm always up for a good nature documentary

Series:
- BSG
- Firefly
- Futurama
- Avatar

Music:
I like most genres, but Elektro-House will always have a special place in my ears.

Whatever.  Nerdy shit.  No one's surprised.  If I'm going to nitpick, though, "The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Fight Club, etc"?  doesn't make any fucking sense, as Fight Club has nothing in common with LotR and Star Wars, so no one knows what the fuck kind of movies the et cetera might conceivably mean.

On a typical Friday night I am
enjoying one of Ostend's (where I stay during the weekend) many fine eateries with friends. Afterwards we usually check to see if there aren't any live bands playing in one of the local Jazz bars, if not it's off to a pub to laugh, make sarcastic remarks and contemplate the intricacies of time travel. During the summer we might head to the beach, crack open a bottle of rum and think about the meaning of life and other pseudo-philosophical BS.

Okay, that last bit is okay.  You do, in fact, have friends, and you do, in fact, go out sometimes and do fun things that aren't settlers of Catan.

I'm actually thrilled as fuck that you didn't fill out the 6 things I couldn't live without or why you should message me, because it seems like everyone fills those out with stupid bullshit filler just because they can't stand leaving them blank. So, you know, kudos on that.

Conclusion: I'd probably go get drunk with you on the beach, but man, you gotta make it sound like you're more than just a lazy sack of shit who sleeps in and resents "club people" who go out and dance and get laid occasionally. Dig deep, find some scraps of individuality here, and tell us about them.  'Cause those are the bits that will convince someone that you should be allowed to touch her boobies.  Go, touch some boobies.

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So how about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.