A request from a man named BebopZaibatsu:
I could always use some advice as to how to spice up the old profile.
Alright, muchacho. I'm drinking champagne from a pint glass, and I do not currently have pants on.
First thing, as usual: pictures:
Do you have a beard, or do you not have a beard? Your pictures should semi-accurately show what you currently look like. The one captioned as being recent-est, I can't even tell which dude you are. You don't need to identify every member of your family in every picture. In fact, don't identify them as your family, because as many family pictures as you have here, someone might assume that your fam are the only people willing to hang out with you. There's no need to identify anyone in your pictures at all, really, other than you. If you have to identify yourself, in fact, then that probably means the pictures aren't showing your face clearly enough, which an awful lot of yours aren't. get rid of anything where you're making a really stupid face, like the "I'm not high" one, crop down the ones where you're too small to recognize, so we can see your goddamn grill. The wedding one is fucking gold. Good smile, you look like a guy who can loosen up his tie and have some fun, and your dad's vest is so insanely retarded that it's awesome. Caption: "I'm on the left, wishing I was the one in the sweet-ass vest." Seriously, your dad rocks and I want to get drunk with him and his gay vest. I might have sex with his vest, if it buys me a drink. The ATHF pic might be awesome, or it might suck because you look like kind of a retard. I'd lose it personally, but it's your call, or someone else can give their opinion.
Profile:
I am kicking, ass, and chewing bubblegum.
Nice.
My Self-Summary
Hi, I'm Matt. Pleased to meet you. Most people would describe me as 'easygoing', but that's a boring adjective and who cares what they think anyways, right?
There's too much of this shit going around. This is not a meeting with a handshake, and your name is irrelevant at this point. You wanna come right out of the gate and explain who the fuck you are and what you're all about, so your name and your pleasure at meeting me don't matter.
Second point: there's also wayy too much of this "people say I'm *****" shit, and it sucks. What it says is that you're either too big of a pansy to make any kind of claim about who you are, or you actually don't know. Both of those are shitty options that suck. Know thyself, and don't hide behind your friend's opinions of what that self is. Be it, lay it bare, and do not apologize for it.
"Easygoing" is generally a good quality, but it's generic and passive and boring when used as a primary description of who you are
My policy is not to sweat the small stuff. I'm not the type of person who gets upset when my car gets scratched in a parking lot or if I have to wait an hour for a seat at a restaurant. I don't get truly upset easily. That's not to say I'm some sort of unfeeling robot(despite my boyhood dreams) and I'm pretty sure that I'm not a zombie.
All this stuff? It's all a list of shit that you're not, which isn't particularly useful. We're a paragraph in, and who you are is still basically a mystery. We want to know who you are at your core, what differentiates you from every other fucking nice guy on OKCupid, what makes you awesome, what makes you interesting.
People might also call me 'fun-loving'
DAMMIT, WHAT DID I JUST SAY
but seriously, who are these people out there that don't like having fun? I can't imagine anyone that just absolutely loves being miserable. Of course I love fun! But for me fun usually comes not from what you're doing, but who you're doing it with. Being stuck on a ski lift for an hour in the -10 degree wind can be one of the most fun times you've had if you're with the right people.
I'm not sure you realize this, but pretty much every human being ever would probably describe themselves as "fun-loving", rendering most of this as kind of generic. Some of it could become useful. "I find fun can be anywhere. I've found it at -10 degrees while stuck on a ski lift, with the right people, and I can find it wherever", maybe. After you take a good hard look at yourself and find some of your inner distinctive flavor to share with us first here.
What I’m doing with my life
I grew up in Ohio. After high school I decided to go to college mainly because I had no clue what else to do with myself. After 2 years of apathy towards my classes and a failing gpa I decided to abandon that train entirely and I moved up to Breckenridge, CO with a good friend of mine to try something new. The mountains started getting a little claustrophobic for me after a few years so I decided to move on down to Denver where I am now. Right now I'm on a bit of a hiatus from the working world, but the boredom is quickly getting to me. I'm currently checking out schools in the area to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do with myself in the future.
I'm gonna be a little mean here, I think, because fuck, it sounds like you're literally doing nothing with your life, and you just wasted a lot of words making that ridiculously clear. You literally could have left this blank and it would have been better, while still being totally accurate. I mean, fuck, I'm an engineering school dropout, but I don't go around telling people that. Now your potential date thinks you're a fuckup who's totally incapable of finishing anything or getting a job, and I'm really not sure that's the angle you wanna go with. The question here is "What I'm doing with my life", and there's got to be an answer that isn't "dropping out of literally everything I've ever done". Do you do anything? Anything that's awesome, or neat, or not depressing? Put that here. If there isn't, just leave it blank.
I’m really good at
Someone told me once
Fuck what he told you.
I've always been a fast learner. Whether it be a new job, game, gadget or whatnot I always seem to be able to pick up new concepts quickly.
It's not a red flag that makes me want to punch you, but it just doesn't grab me at all. I'd just leave it out, I guess.
My friends think I must be autistic or something, because I'm crazy good at remembering movie quotes. I often find myself slipping obscure movie quotes into normal conversation just to see if anybody will notice.
That...amuses me. I kind of like it. Leave that there.
The first things people usually notice about me
Girls comment a lot on my eyelashes. Apparently they're really nice. I don't know, I've never really payed them much mind.
You are such a pussy. If this is literally true, say it, otherwise shut the fuck up about who says what about you. I really doubt that it's actually the first thing anyone notices about you, and there's gotta be something more obvious, and it's not really anything that anyone is going to give a shit about, in my opinion, but it's something, and it's not something stupid and intangible like "My sense of humor", so if you really can't come up with anything distinctive about yourself other than your eyelashes, you can keep it.
Fuck, I just ran out of champagne. Switching to...chardonnay? What the fuck do I have chardonnay for? Fuck.
I think I usually come off as really mellow to people at first. How I come off I think depends a lot on you're own personality. If you're a really bubbly or outgoing person, I tend to reciprocate and be more outgoing myself.
Like "easygoing", "mellow" is literally an adjective that describes a lack of activity. It's basically a euphemism for "boring", for our purposes here, so I'd unrecommend it. And yes, people become more outgoing when someone else shows up and provides the energy. That usually means you're not supplying any of your own, which isn't great.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
In no particular order:
Books: The Things They Carried, Going After Caciato, World War Z, Fight Club, Choke, Hyperion, Mistborn, The Wheel of Time, Catch-22, The Forgotten Soldier, The Road, Swansong...
Movies: Aliens, Pulp Fiction, The Big Lebowski, Wayne's World, Princess Mononoke, Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, Danny Deckchair, Day of the Dead...
Music: Tool, Yes, Joanna Newsom, Minus the Bear, Modest Mouse, The Flaming Lips, The Avalanches, Gorillaz, Pink Floyd...
Food: Most anything, and I'll try anything once. I tried sushi the other day for the first time ever and thought it was delicious. Albeit I was kinda drunk at the time so who knows? I suppose I'll have to try it again and see.
As always, this section is pretty underwhelming. Whatever, leave it be; it's a list that everyone just glosses over anyway.
The six things I could never do without
1) My Family
2) My Friends
3) I say the internet, but that's a lie. I never miss it when I go on vacation and don't bring my computer.
4) I can't leave my house without doing the 3-pat keys/phone/wallet check.
5) A little time to myself
6) Arbitrary lists of things
Honestly, there are so few people who can actually come up with 6 things that anyone would give a shit about, that unless you've got something really entertaining here, you might as well just leave it blank. Something like 90% of people have "friends" and "family" and "internet" here. Come up with 6 things that not every other fucking tard on okcupid has here, or just leave it blank so it doesn't distract from the non-boring crap in your profile.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
If aliens were watching us in our every day lives, what would they think about us?
That's...actually pretty original, I guess. Kudos.
On a typical Friday night I am
Any number of places depending on my mood. Out at a bar grabbing a few beers with a friend, at a party, out to a movie, sitting at home reading/watching movies/playing video games.
So, you've got listed here pretty much ever possible option for any given person on any friday night. Which is about the same as giving no answer at all. Narrow it down, motherfucker. To something unique or interesting. Or leave it blank.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I still tear up a little bit during the campfire scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I chuckled. Keep it.
You should message me if
If you're one of those people that hate having fun. Seriously, what's the deal? Just don't expect me to want to hang out.
If you're one of those people that love having fun. We should hang out.
If you wish that superheroes existed in real life and are not ashamed to admit it.
If you would like me to give you a high five.
But really, you don't need my permission to message me. You do as you please, I don't mind.
I'd keep those all except the last one. It sounds way too much like the stupid generic shit that everyone puts there: You should message me if: If you want to. I hate that shit, and it makes me want to punch people. So don't do it.
So that's basically that. The upside is, you seem like a pretty genuinely fun guy who should be having no problem at all with this okcupid thing once you can communicate that to your profile visitors without being a pussy about it or oversharing about your work/school history. Go get some.
So how about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.
And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.
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