Chops the Lumberjack: a Children's Story of Questionable Appropriateness

A long time ago, when the world was a simpler place, there lived a lumberjack.

A lot of lumberjacks, really, but one in particular.

He was born to a family of lumberjacks. Even his mother and 4 sisters had thick, bushy beards, as all lumberjacks did in those days.

He had a problem, you see. He couldn't grow hair on his chin. No matter how he tried, all he could muster up were a pair of solid, furry muttonchops, which were exceptional in their own way, but earned him scorn from the other lumberjacks, who saw no value in a beard with no chin, and gave him the cruel nickname Chops to remind of of his deficiency.

He heard of a princess one day, though. Had a magic banjo, they said. A magic banjo that granted beards. That's what the legends told of, anyway.

It turns out that as ridiculous as that was, there was indeed a princess who possessed a magic banjo, but her story was not such a rosy one as the stories had made it out to be.

You see, there was a curse. A curse put on her by her evil ex-mother-in-law. The spell kept her imprisoned in her castle, and only a kiss could release her. Which would be no biggie, except that the curse also forced her to play the magical banjo for anyone who came to her, and that playing of the magical banjo produced such a beard as to make a kiss simply impossible.

To the 'jack, however, who didn't know, she was just a means to an end, despite being eternally cute as all get out, another condition of the curse thrown in there just to make things that much more frustrating for her.

So he made his way to her castle, through swamps and deserts, and trees.  Right through the middle of trees.  He hadn't considered going around trees because he wasn't too bright, and hey, he had this fucking axe so why not, is what he figured.

And so it came to pass that he came to her door, covered in cuts and scrapes and woodchips and whatnot.

Wearily, she picked up the banjo as he entered, wanting to get it over with so she could get back to knitting nets for catching hippies and dolphins.

He smelled of hickory smoke and fighting. As he limped in wearily and smokily, he looked up at the banjoist, and saw something magical.

Not the banjo, either. Well, yes, the banjo was magical, but not metaphorically, which is where we're at here, narrative-wise.

Looking at the girl, you see, was the magical thing. He'd seen women in his life, no doubt about that, but this one was different.

She had an intangible quality to her that affected him deeply, a presence, and also a profound lack of facial hair, which was novel and kind of sexy.

He wanted to go chop down every tree in every forest to produce lumber for her, if that's what she wanted. He found himself producing a certain amount of lumber just standing there, if you know what I mean.

As he gaped, he could feel the follicles in his face come alive and start to grow. He brought his hands up to his face, and his delight turned to dismay, as he realized his chops were growing like wildfire but his chin remained shamefully bare.

At his groan of despair, she looked up from her depressed banjoing and stared at the gloriously bare chin and accessible mouth, a sight she'd not seen in a truly long time.

She got up and approached him, still banjoing that magic banjo, eyes locked on his lower face. He turned away. "No! Look not upon my hairless shame!", he whispered hopelessly, wanting to chop down a tree and use it to hide himself from this magical creature.

Being a good deal quicker than he, mentally speaking, she pointed vaguely and shouted, "oh no, a tree!", and at that, he looked around wildly to see what kind of tree could have sneaked into the room so quickly, and what the best angle for axing it would be. While he was distracted, the still- playing princess lunged in and laid a smooch on him that had been waiting to go and getting seriously frustrated for nearly twenty years now. Seriously. She probably tasted a little bit of lung; that's the sort of thing I'm talking about here.

There was a sound of fireworks. It was actually the evil ex mother in law's spell backfiring explosively and blowing her all the way to florida, but as far as the couple we're paying attention to were concerned, it was pretty much irrelevant, much like their clothes, which were mostly draped over furniture in shreds, at this point.  They were probably boning, but I'm not gonna say for sure in case your kids are still reading this.

And that was pretty much that.

I'm Drunk and Your OKCupid Sucks: Laid Back Does not Equal Laid

Dan from Belgium wants to get on the bandwagon here:

Hey. Wait up, I wanna get on.

Happy Mother's Day, motherfucker.  I had to cook 3 dozen eggs' worth of fucking omelettes today for my family, and I never cook sober, so now I've got about 4 of those sweet new pint cans of Miller Lite in me, and I'm drinking Moscato out of a coffee cup.  I feel like I should get some cut-off jorts and a wifebeater to complete the white trash buzz.

pictures:


1) Well, shit, if you don't look like the happiest fucker ever to wake up in a sleeping bag.  I'd keep that picture just for that.  Thumbs-up indeed.

As for the photos as a whole, my general impression is that you are high, like, all of the time.  Except for the one where you've got sunglasses on so you can hide how fucking high you are.  I feel like every one of those captions should read "Duuuuuuuuuuude."  I suddenly want to eat an entire box of Wheat Thins.

Anyway.  Photos.  You look kind of sweaty in the last two, and I feel like the first three could be a lot better if we had some captions to give them context.  Maybe add some more where you're smiling and doing shit with people without looking sweaty.  Key is the smiling and not being sweaty.  Having your eyes open so you don't look profoundly high would also be a plus, but then again, I'm not from Belgium, so who knows.

Profile

I am like, thinking, and stuff. Don't rush me.

Nice.  I still think you're high as fuck, but still, good one.

My Self-Summary
I'm a generally 'laidback' guy, and by that I mean I am lazy. So very lazy. I still enjoy life as much as possible - after all, we only get one shot - but it just so happens that a lot of my enjoyment comes from hitting that snooze button a few times before getting up and parking my sexy self behind my computer or underneath a tree with a good book. When I have time, that is.

So basically, the first and most important thing that you want people to know about you is that you're a lazy, unmotivated layabout whose greatest joy in life is hitting the snooze button?

Really, dude?  Really?  Of all your possible positive aspects, this is the one you're going to run with?

I'm going to let you in on a secret, man.  We all like sleeping in and hitting the snooze.  All of us.  It's rad.  But what makes us interesting and unique isn't that, it's what gets us out of bed, what motivates us to forgo the comfortable for the challenging, what we sacrifice things to acquire, that set us apart from each other.

So like, here's the thing.  My first impression is that you literally have nothing going on in your life that's more interesting than continuing to sleep.  And not everyone's looking for a dude who's a massively driven overachieving workaholic, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that making "lazy" your best foot forward might just be, oh, what's the term,  fucking retarded.

I generally dislike crowds, and prefer a nice quiet evening in a bar with a few friends to grinding like a howler monkey on speed in an overcrowded club. An evening spent playing Risk, Settlers of Catan, watching an action flick, browsing the interwebz or playing some videogames are all preferable to clubs, really. You could say I loathe clubs. And you'd be right.

I'm not really sure how many times I have to repeat myself, dude, but you're not supposed to talk about shit you don't like, and you're definitely not supposed to disparage shit for no good reason.  Guess what, some people like clubs, and they still might conceivably sleep with you, except that you just compared people who dance in clubs, to fucking howler monkeys, so you basically just alienated pretty much everyone who has ever enjoyed going out  to a club.  I swear, it's almost like you're actively trying to keep attractive girls out of your pants.

Also: Interwebz?  Really? 

There's nothing wrong with the Internet or playing Settlers, but there's no need to be a fuckhead about it and needlessly disparage other people's Friday night activities.  You know how often fuckheads get laid?  Not all that fucking often.

What I’m doing with my life
At the moment I'm studying Dutch - English in Ghent, after that I'd like to become a smith. No, really. I want to create. Take a slab of metal and transform it into a perfectly forged tool, a beautiful piece of jewellery, perhaps a work of art. The educational system has stifled my creative side, and I want nothing more than to reawaken it. Smithing seems perfect, it combines creativity and practicality. Making beautiful things that have meaning, function.

You're studying English so you can go be a smith?  Have you actually made any steps toward being a smith?  Have you done like, a single fucking thing that relates to smithing, or is this just a thing that you'd "like to do"?  Because everyone has things they'd "like to do".  I'd "like to" be Sandra Bullock's love slave and also have a pony that shits bacon, but because I haven't done anything to get me closer to that state, I don't go around pretending like it's something that anyone else should give a fuck about.  If you're actually committed to doing stupid shit like making swords for renfaire dorks or whatever, then you should be doing something about it, and the doing something might be worth mentioning, but right now, want to is just a big ol' sign around your neck stating that you don't have any doing something happening in your life.  Want to is not helping you here.

The first things people usually notice about me
I'd have to say my beard. Not because it's particularly awesome (though it is), but because a beard is a hard thing to miss. If you're not into beards, that's okay, just remember this age-old adage: "Beards. They grow on you."

It was kind of amusing.  Not amusing enough to make up for any of your other sins so far, but it doesn't make me angry, so there's that.

I'm not 100% committed to liking the beard, for the record.  My opinion is that most dudes look better without beards.  Longish hair, similarly, is a thing some dudes can pull off, and I'm not sure if you're either of those kinds of dudes.  The chunky gamer dude with long hair and a beard is an archetype that, let's face it, doesn't get laid much.  Just...think about it.

The second thing people notice are my horrible puns.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Books:
- Watchmen - Moore & Gibbons
- Maus - Spiegelman
- One Hundred Years of Solitude - Márquez
- Discworld series - Pratchett
- Nights at the Circus - Carter

Movies:
- The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Fight Club, etc
- Stardust (don't judge me)
- I'm always up for a good nature documentary

Series:
- BSG
- Firefly
- Futurama
- Avatar

Music:
I like most genres, but Elektro-House will always have a special place in my ears.

Whatever.  Nerdy shit.  No one's surprised.  If I'm going to nitpick, though, "The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Fight Club, etc"?  doesn't make any fucking sense, as Fight Club has nothing in common with LotR and Star Wars, so no one knows what the fuck kind of movies the et cetera might conceivably mean.

On a typical Friday night I am
enjoying one of Ostend's (where I stay during the weekend) many fine eateries with friends. Afterwards we usually check to see if there aren't any live bands playing in one of the local Jazz bars, if not it's off to a pub to laugh, make sarcastic remarks and contemplate the intricacies of time travel. During the summer we might head to the beach, crack open a bottle of rum and think about the meaning of life and other pseudo-philosophical BS.

Okay, that last bit is okay.  You do, in fact, have friends, and you do, in fact, go out sometimes and do fun things that aren't settlers of Catan.

I'm actually thrilled as fuck that you didn't fill out the 6 things I couldn't live without or why you should message me, because it seems like everyone fills those out with stupid bullshit filler just because they can't stand leaving them blank. So, you know, kudos on that.

Conclusion: I'd probably go get drunk with you on the beach, but man, you gotta make it sound like you're more than just a lazy sack of shit who sleeps in and resents "club people" who go out and dance and get laid occasionally. Dig deep, find some scraps of individuality here, and tell us about them.  'Cause those are the bits that will convince someone that you should be allowed to touch her boobies.  Go, touch some boobies.

---

So how about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.

I'm Drunk & Your OKCupid Sucks: NEEEEERD!

One more earnest request, from someone called Gucci Banana, from Blacksburg, Virginia.

I could always use a look-see on my profile, too.

It's new. Be gentle.

Alright, Gucci Banana, here's my 2 cents. My pants are back on and there's no more Chardonnay, so you're getting it straight from a flask of Ten High that I keep around for emergencies.

Photos!:


First thing, right off, and I need to make a new thread so I can lay some shit out in the OP, do not apologize. Don't apologize for who you are, what you do, or your shitty webcam pictures. You're in college. There is literally no way that you do not have access to a camera better than your shit webcam, or a standard mini-USB cable that you use to upload photos. Go, bug your neighbor and get it done. Or use pictures from Facebook. There's got to be a better option than grainy shit-resolution pictures of you in possibly the worst shirt ever. If you're straight-up hipster and roll in a hipster crowd that wears stupid shit like that ironically, and don't mind that most people think it's kind of retarded, then fine, I guess. If you're not already experienced chasing hipster tail, then I'd recommend against. You can keep it if it's part of a picture that's not otherwise grainy and boring and shitty, how about that?

The pink headband shot might be retarded, but if it's a costume party or some shit, then it's excused, as long as you can caption it and make it something amusing that doesn't lead us to believe you actually dress like that, and as long as you have enough other pictures where you're not looking like a tard.

THE PROFILE

I am unable, to speak, Mr., and erson.

I was amused, but then again, I'm easy amused by stupid 3 Words wordplay, and I've seen The Matrix a bunch of times. I doubt it's a dealbreaker for anyone, but I suspect it could be confusing to some people who aren't attuned to nerdy wordplay. Your call, I guess. It's not cliche or boring, though.so points for that.

My Self-Summary
My name is Kyle. I spend much of my time teaching the homeless how to figure skate with a grace that would make Johnny Weir go hetero.

I'm a student at Virginia Tech, but we'll talk about that later. I'm also a resident advisor at Tech, and it wouldn't be rash of me to say that my residents would probably take a bullet for me. Scratch that; I know they would. I play a multitude of instruments, but mainly just the guitar nowadays.

Name: Irrelevant. Wacky random humor: Not helping. If you're going to make up shit to be funny, it should also be something that says something true about you, not just MONKEY CHEESE WEASEL LOL, which in my opinion doesn't do any good here. I had a stupid running joke in my old profile about how I was really Batman. it worked because I really do aspire to be more Batmanlike in my everyday life, and because it gave an opening for them to email me and suggest that we fight crime together, or that we should be nemeses, which several did.

Stuff like being a student and playing the guitar are cool, but I'd say they fit more in the "what I'm doing with my life" section. I'm not going to get all YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB Tyler Durden and all, but it's true. This part's hard because it wants you to describe who you are, and that's a question that's not remotely easy to answer. I answer it by talking about the things I do that I feel reveal parts of that answer, like my obsession with motorbikes and fixing things and Sharpie tattoos and stereotypically manly things, and a comparison to a grizzled, drunken boy scout. It's not a bad way to go, in my experience, but everyone communicates who they are a little differently.

I'm quite alright with being a nerd. I'm currently writing this on a 32" monitor that was worth every penny. I play PS3 and X-box 360 in my free time, but not to an extent that would cause me to become socially inept. I also own an SNES... ladies.

It's good that you're at peace with being a nerd, but bear in mind that the more you talk about being a nerd, the fewer non-nerd women will be interested. Just the way it is. Admitting that you own 3 different game consoles in a paragraph that's supposed to be about who you are is basically a train right to Nodatesville. So I'd leave it out, just like how I leave out the part where I like to do 5k runs in drag. You let someone get to know you first, so they have a reason to stick around when they discover the tranny porn under your mattress. Those 3 consoles? They're your tranny porn for now, until a girl can meet you and see your good qualities before you mention offhand that you like to game a little.

What I’m doing with my life
When I'm not busy throwing kittens into trees or saving kittens from trees when scantily clad females are around, I spend my days learning to engineer computers. If that job of stardom doesn't work out, I'm hoping for Astronaut Rock Star Dinosaur Hunter. Fingers crossed!

Drop the non-sequitur crap, never disparage your chosen field. Mention your guitar shit here, and any other stuff you do that's social stuff, stuff she could maybe want to do with you. Sow the seeds of date possibilities. Do you bowl? Ride bikes socially? Donate your time at homeless shelters? Talk about it here.

I’m really good at
I excel in many things. My ride checks never fail or dip below 15

I don't know what that means. Does everyone in your area know what that means?

, My thumbs are great at getting jammed whilst attempting to set a volleyball, and my vocabulary expands when I've been drinking.

I'm not an amazing guitar player, but I'm capable. I do consider myself to be a good singer, though. I went to All-State twice, if anyone out there knows what that is...

I know my way around a computer.

We know. You're a compSci major. No need to rub it in, nerdatron.

And my vocabulary really does expand when I've been drinking. It's uncanny.

The first things people usually notice about me
My eyes are green, My stance is proud, and my gaze can kill. Trust me.

That sounds pretty original. Keep it.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Books: No thanks, I'll wait for the movie. Seriously. I rarely have the free time to read, so I rely on Hollywood to pick out what's good and trim it down to a couple hours.

Movies: I generally watch TV shows more than movies. My favorite shows are Scrubs, House MD, and Dexter. I've been meaning to get into some other stuff, but I'm lazy.

Music: I generally can tolerate anything creative, with the exception of Country music. Some of my favorite bands include The Dear Hunter, Muse, Coheed and Cambria, Circa Survive, Queen, and Protest the Hero. I don't mind screaming in songs, as long as it adds to it artistically.

Food: Ramen, but in order to stray from the college kid status quo, I also enjoy anything with an alfredo sauce, sammiches, Hawaiin style pizza, and taco bell. I have yet to try the new KFC "Double Down." I tell myself that I'm saving it for a special occasion, like having excess money to spend on KFC.

Admitting that you don't read anything is generally a no-no. There's gotta be something you can remember enjoying reading. I'm not saying lie, but most chicks I know prefer dudes who are at least capable of finishing a book every couple of years. There's gotta be some other foods you enjoy that aren't stereotypically goony game-addict fast food.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Soup.

It's not that interesting, but I guess it's original. i say it's neutral, although there's really no need to fill out all these prompts, and filler answers just dilute the good stuff elsewhere in your profile. Your call.

On a typical Friday night I am
Putting out forest fires. With my mind.

If no fires are to be had, I am generally hanging out with friends, listening to music, playing some video games, watching movies, or dying from homework overdose. Generally multiple things simultaneously.

Keep the forest fire bit. it's a stupid non-sequitur, but I chuckled anyway, and you used it to segue to your actual answer, which is cliche as fuck and generic and non-specific. "hanging out with friends" and "listening to music" are right up there with describing yourself as "laid-back", as useless fuck-boring answers go. Hanging out where? At a show? What kind of show? Don't give us all possible answers here, recall the best friday night you've had lately and then paint me a picture that makes me want to be a part of it.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I'm willing to admit that I will admit to anything.

Why does every fucking dude think that their stupid non-answer is clever? because it isn't. Ever. Either answer it with something that's amusing or endearing or awesome but phrased in a way that sort of sounds like you're admitting something, or don't fucking answer it.

For example, I'm part of a non-profit corporation dedicated to keeping kids involved with the arts in my hometown. We're currently writing our own stage show that can only be described as "Hastily written." And I mean that in the best possible way out there.

See? That's something cool. You should have mentioned it way up there under "what I'm doing with my life", because it's endearing and philanthropic and you should have mentioned it before she got bored and moved on to a profile that had something worthwhile in it.

But that's not really private, unless you describe yourself as "boring." And that word isn't in my vocabulary. I have no idea what it means. It sounds fun, though.

I am an open book though. And for the record, the play is hilarious.

The stuff relevant to the play, move it up with the play stuff, ditch the rest, and come up with an actual answer or leave it blank.

You should message me if
You understood the soup reference, or any of the references I made, for that matter.

Your reference to soup was the single word "soup". I get a lot of references, but I don't get that one, and I'm betting not a lot of other people did.

If you're into music, be it writing it or listening, hit a brother up. I excel in both.

"Hey, you're into music. I'm into music too."
"Cool."
"..."
"..."
"...Welp, see ya later!"

Seriously, "I like music. If you like music, you should hit me up" is...I do't know what it is. It's kind of lame, and it's not going to lead anywhere.

Also, really? You excel at listening to music? Way to set the bar high, buddy.

If you know any good shows I should watch, or music I should listen to.

Really, dude? Do people actually do this? Email people on dating sites just to tell them that The Office is pretty cool? Maybe I'm wrong, but I've never heard of that every actually working, or going anywhere. It feels like you're making her do all the work here, coming up with some shit to recommend to you.

If your k/d ratio doesn't suck. I jest. It can suck, but you better look good dying.

I can hear, in my head, the sound of thousands of legs snapping shut forever for you. Definitely ditch that. For any girl that found that amusing, there were 20 who rolled their eyes and decided to definitely not email you.

How about, "If you want to see inner-city kids put on a hip-hop rendition of King Lear", or "If you want to [go out and see something that is cool, I don't fucking know]", or "if you think riding bikes and having a beer in the park sounds like fun"? This is a great place to make suggestions about stuff she might want to go out and do.

I'm sure you're fun and all, but I really don't think there's enough here for anyone to make that judgment. All I have so far is three game consoles, a lot of COMPUTERS, one cool thing about helping kids put on a stage show, and a bunch of stuff that literally every human does so it's not worth mentioning. I really have no picture of who you are as a human being, your hopes and dreams, your quirks, your sense of humor, your passions. I have no idea who you are, and I need you to tell me. Until then, well, have fun with your PS3, I guess.

---

So how about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.